Textusa's Phone Hacking Scandal #1

We have something to confess. Besides all we’ve said about what we thought and think about the Leveson Inquiry, we have to tell that it affected us personally.

You see, we hoped we were going to be summoned to the phone hacking hearings. The Levenson Inquiry dashed our hopes. Once this one started, the other circus' matinee was over...

You see, us Sisters, have to confess that we’ve fictionally done some fictional phone hacking of our own.

We had my eldest grandson, who we pretended to be an electronics genius, to come up with a contraption made up of empty cans, a couple of wire coat-hangers, a fan, an old spark plug Fred had in the garage, and an electric cord, with which we made believe that we could tap on any phone conversation. Provided it was fictional, of course.

What we can't understand is why we weren’t summoned to the hearings. The fact that all our hacks are FICTIONAL should have been an added reason for us to be summoned. After all, wasn’t most of what we heard in them total and absolute FICTION?

No we’re not speaking about the Leveson Inquiry. That’s as fictional, if not more, but not hardly the place to discuss fictional phone hackings… just fictional journalistic ethics. Now, THAT is one enormous fictional subject even in the non-fictional world…

Our fictional hacking should have also being subjected to question, no question about it. But it wasn’t. So we’ve decided to share with our readers all our fictional tapes.

Today we publish the first of a number of fictionally hacked fictional phone calls:


PHONE CALL #1:

F: Has he shown up yet?

G: No, not that I know of…

F: The Portuguese cop hasn’t given you any indication that he may have contacted them?

G: No.

F: Our cops know nothing also… Why, in heaven’s sake, did he have to fly out the next day?!? Damn it!!..

G: Are you sure that it’s the Ss?

F: From what you told me, it can only be them! It was a big family, right? The woman was pregnant, right?

G: Yes… just like I told you, it was a big group, a couple in front with a woman, as I said, pregnant, then the older couple with the toddlers, and then by the stairs the youngsters… not exactly sure how many... Let me see… two… then four, and then three or four. That… makes it either nine or ten…

F: There aren't that many big families around here, so they have to be the Ss alright. The man was (description of S), right?

G: Yes and the woman was (description of S’s wife), like I've told you a thousand times… when I stopped at the crossing, one of the older couple said something to me, I'm not exactly sure what or who said it, if it was him or her, I don't remember which... but I do remember that it was clearly Irish, that I'm absolutely sure of. Listen, I practically ran over the man and his entire family!! And talking about that, you know, I'm starting to a worry about something...

F: What is it?

G: What if he recognizes me?

F: Isn't that what we want to happen?

G: No, I mean, what if he recognizes me... as in ME? All this circus is making my face much too familiar to everyone... If he had gone to the cops on Friday, when he should have, he obviously wouldn't be able to tell me apart from anyone else, but he didn't go, did he? As time passes on so are the chances of him going to the cops saying that's ME he saw, and not some abstract abductor, you know... He did get a pretty damn close look at me, I tell you... What do we do if he says that it was me?

F: So? What's wrong if he does? Don't you have all your friends saying that you were with them? And the Tapas people that confirm that? The only problem I see of him saying that, is that most likely the police won't take his statement seriously, and that's a problem, them thinking that he's just another joker with visions, so let's really hope he doesn't say that, ok? If he does, we can only hope the cops do take him seriously and think he's using your, as you say, familiar face to describe the kind of man he saw. I mean, besides your accent, you have no other uncommon feature that makes you any different from any other "normal" man, now do you? With your current popularity plus what your friends and Tapas have said and continue to say, we shouldn't expect any problems. It will never cross anyone's minds that you could be... you. Damn S and his travel plans, by now this all could be done with!!

G: You were pretty happy when I told you the first time who I had bumped into… remember? Remember you said that it had been a pretty darn good stroke of luck, you even said it was a typical case of "luck of the Irish", that I had run into S, who you just happen to know, and not into any of the locals!!

F: Yes, yes… but who could have guessed that they would be flying the next morning?!? I’ve already confirmed that the Ss were here, the whole lot of them, and that they did fly Friday morning back to Ireland. But what on earth’s sake is keeping him from coming?!? It can’t be that he doesn’t know by now about your daughter…

G: What? With this entire circus? He’d be the only living soul in the whole world to miss it… He will come, I’m sure. He has to come!

F: Yes, but until then we can’t just sit still, can we?!? No way can we allow for the PJ to start poking their filthy noses where they shouldn't… You never know what they do if they found out or just happen to stumble on what was going on. I’m starting to get calls from people who are getting very, very nervous, and when these people get nervous they get nervous, if you know what I mean…

G: I understand, I understand… if I couldn’t afford the scandal myself, I can just imagine what would happen to some of those that were on the resort if it what we were all up to was to be known…

F: Yes… we had a pretty good thing going until you lot spoiled it all up. Can you just imagine the amount of time and effort it took us to set up something like this?!? And the money and trust that I'm losing with this thing?!?

G: He’s already said he was sorry…

F: And?!? You know what I feel like doing with him and his sorrow?!? Do you have the faintest idea of the size of the scandal this would be back home if we weren’t we were and knew who we know?!?…

G: Calm down, calm down… you did say that on our side all was taken care of?

F: Yes, yes… our Government has guaranteed that they won’t ever allow for this ever to be known, and the Portuguese Government is being dealt with, if it hasn’t happened that already…

G: So that means that the PJ is also up to speed, right?

F: As I told you, I don’t know what has been done, nor do I know what kind of control they have over the PJ or any, but from what I’ve followed with the Freeport and the Casa Pia, the cops on the field are not that controllable... in this Country the control seems to be made more on an upper level...

G: Meaning?

F: Meaning we can’t run any sort of risk. Our cops are our cops, their cops are theirs, and the less they know, and, very important, the less they discover, the better. No one has guaranteed us that the PJ will remain silent if they discover what was going on here…

G: But we weren’t doing anything illegal…

F: No, we were NOT, were we? But you did agree to lie about your own daughter’s death, didn’t you? And it didn’t take a lot pushing as I remember…

G: We would all be jobless in the bat of an eye… and our house…

F: Listen, I’ve been thinking, until S finally decides to speak, we have to keep the abduction story alive. We just have to maintain the pressure in that direction without letting go so the PJ isn't able to go in any other direction but abduction! Absolutely no other direction, understand?

G: From the first minute I’ve understood that!! I did my bit, didn't I? Walked until I was seen, didn't I? J has said she saw a guy passing with a girl in his arms, didn't she? And the rest of our group has confirmed that we were on the binge down the road… there’s not much more we can do, is there?

F: No, that's why we'll need to create another S, won’t we?

G: How’s that?

F: You go and see what your friend J told the police what she saw, you know, clothes, general description of the man…

G: That’s easy… she described me.

F: What? She’s an idiot?!?

G: No, no… she had to… from the apartment to M’s, somebody could have seen me, and things would have matched, right? Pity nobody did see me then, otherwise we wouldn’t be needing S right now would we? And I point out that now that we have S speaking also, hopefully soon, J's and S's description of the abductor do match, don't they?

F: Right And no, we wouldn't be needing S if someone saw you going to Ms... You’re right, you’re right… Anyhow, what we have to do is find someone else that has also seen you. Whoever it is can’t be from Luz or anywhere too near this town…

G: Why?

F: Are you daft? How many nights have there been? Three? Four? Wouldn’t the abductor have gained the most distance from here by now?!?

G: I don’t see why the abductor couldn't have seen me around here, I mean S did see me here didn’t he?

F: Yes he did, but that was on the night she was supposed to be taken, right?

G: And?

F: And?!? Don’t forget that S DID see you. He can show up any minute, right? And we DO want him to show up, don’t we?

G: Sure do!

F: So where would we have this new sighting now here in Luz? We already have two different places where he was seen, the one where your friend J says she sees you and the other where S sees you too. When S shows up, don’t you think that having a third location in such a small town is kind of pushing it a bit too far??! The abductor is an abductor, not a grasshopper jumping around with a little girl on his back…

G: But couldn’t it be someone also coming out of Kelly’s just like the Ss?...

F: Do you think so??!? First, that would mean that Kelly did have a life when the idea is for this whole town, which includes that place, to be as lifeless as a desert; or isn't that the supposed reason why you people kept yourselves in the resort all this time? Then this new witness would have to have left Kelly's precisely between not being noticed leaving by the Ss, because if they’re asked about that, they'll have to say that they saw no one leaving with them, because they really didn't see, did they?; and be able to still follow the Ss in time to reach the stairs to see the abductor, right? right? But that's not all, and this would be what would set all alarm bells ringing from here to where you're from, you'd also have the fact that is this new witness would come only now forward. You see what would happen? When S does show up, then we have both witnesses that have seen the abductor, here, in the exact same place and on the exact same night, taking both exactly an "eternity" to come forward and speak!! What do you think the cops would think about that with all the exposure we’ve been able to get around your daughter?!? That Luz is filled with retards?!? It would obviously look rigged! You know what they say, one coincidence, two coincidences – maybe they’re still coincidences. Any more than that and it stops being coincidence.

G: I like that phrase.

F: What phrase?

G: That one about coincidences…

F: What?! You like the phrase, do you? Well do feel free to use it that I won’t charge royalties, ok? I’m talking serious here and you’re paying attention to a catch phrase?!? I’m beginning to think that you’re beginning to like the role you’re playing... that you think that you’re some kind of a funny joker or something of the sort, aren’t you? Do I have to remind you that we’re talking about your dead daughter?!?

G: Sorry…

F: Let me think, will you? We have to have someone seeing your daughter being moved from one hideout to another… don’t worry I’ll find someone. Beige trousers, right?

G: What? Ah… yes, the trousers were beige, yes. But if want be sure, you can always go check, in the tennis bag, what trousers I wore that night... the jeans are J's, the others are mine.

F: The tennis bag has already been dispatched back home, to keep it safe from prying eyes...

G: Oh, of course, of course... we can't take any chances now, can we? It was already enough for us to have called the cops with the bag still in the apartment! What idiots! Then leaving the damn trousers on the bed! My heart almost stopped when I walked into the room with the GNR, and saw them just lying there!!!... How pathetic we must have looked like when we threw ourselves on the floor crying like babies... but that was the only idea I got to distract them... twice! Once so the trousers could be taken off the bed, and the other to get the trousers and the bag out of the apartment! Twice! It resulted... but what a blunder that was...

F: Blunder? Blunder was you lot ever setting foot on Luz! That was what was THE BLUNDER!!!